Hate Me
by EmoKitten
Summary: I wanted space, but not as much as I wanted you...Based on Blue October's 'Hate Me'. Please don't hate me!


**Hate Me**

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters on South of Nowhere. And I don't own the song _'Hate Me'_; it's by _Blue October_, so they own it of course. But I do own the poem at the end, ok? It's mine, punks!

Summary: I wanted space, but not as much as I wanted you…

----------------------

_"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that wanted space…"  
_

The brunette was seated at the bar, alone that Saturday night. It was the first time she had actually been alone in months. She couldn't think straight or see straight and it wasn't from the alcohol. She hadn't had anything to drink in months.

All the thoughts and memories of her and Spencer flooded her mind, bringing with them an even bigger headache and making her even more confused. Memories are for the heartbroken.

Her mind played the memories, the dreams, no matter how much she begged it to stop, it wouldn't. And not drinking didn't help, but it was all she could think of doing to stop the pain. She had tried to be a good girlfriend, but to no avail…Spencer still ended up getting hurt. Over and over and over again. And it was all her fault. Over and over and over again.

She had told the blonde that she wanted space. Just some time to deal with everything, college, being a good girlfriend (what she always wanted) and dealing with Spencer being gone for college. For months on end. She couldn't deal with being alone that long. Still can't.

She just wanted Spencer to be happy. Was that really so much to ask? Apparently.

She had tried calling the blonde, no answer. She had left messages, no call backs. She had reached out for her again, but she got pushed away. Shunned, if you will.

Will Spencer ever love her again? Will she ever get over losing her?

_"Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you…"  
_

She hates her. For ever single thing Ashley never did for her. But she tried to do everything, and Spencer should know that, should've realized that. If she really loved Ashley, she would've loved her for trying. For just trying to make her happy, that's all one can ask for.

_"I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind…"  
_

She has been sober for three months. They broke up three months ago. Officially. Three horrible, lonely, empty months. The one thing that Spencer had hated the most was now the one thing Ashley hated too.

She had always thanked Spencer for helping her get over her drinking problem. Spencer's support was the one thing she could always count on. Spencer was always there for her when she was depressed but…No more Spencer to hold her up and hug her late at night.

So maybe she should just leave. Drive so far away that she never crossed Spencer's path again. Like Spencer did to her. But that was only because she had to leave her behind, she had a higher calling than the alcoholic, rich musician who can't move on.

_"Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you…"  
_

"Hate me today…Hate me tomorrow…Hate me until you decide that you are over me…" Ashley hummed to herself in her corner of the bar. She let out a bitter laugh, she hated this song, so she changed the lines. But considering how well it worked for her, maybe she should listen to it more often.

_"Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you…"  
_

She can't swallow, the tears were coming again. She let out a strangled, choking sob and let the tears fall. She had to figure out how to get over the blonde. If that was at all possible…

Spencer had to figure out what was good for her. And it obviously wasn't Ashley.

_"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man (woman)  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"  
_

She remembers watching Spencer drive away for the final time, she had waved, promising that they could still be friends, still keep in touch. Liar.

She remembers holding Spencer's face and looking deep into her cerulean eyes before kissing her one last time.

"How could you…?" Came Ashley's silent plea. "I loved you…I still do…Spencer…"

_"Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you…"  
_

"I hope you don't hate me Ash…" Spencer whispered to her cell phone, the background display an adorable picture of her kissing Ashley on the cheek, "And I hope you know that I don't hate you…I never did, I never could, I never would…" She kissed the image and made her call.

**Miles away…**

Ashley barely heard her cell ringing over the pounding music of Grey's. Surprisingly she did, and she dug it out of her purse, flipping it open, half expecting to see Aiden's picture on screen. She was pleasantly surprised when she saw her favorite picture of Spencer smiling up at her.

She nearly dropped her phone as she hastened to answer it, "S-Spence?" She managed to squeak out, her voice sounding foreign to her.

"Hey Ash…" Spencer said nervously, she didn't think that Ashley would actually answer the call.

"Why did you…Why are you calling?" Ashley quickly covered up what she really wanted to ask. _'Why did you break my heart?'_

"I miss you." Spencer blurted.

Ashley didn't know what to say to that, so she didn't say anything because Spencer wasn't done it seems.

"I don't hate you now, I didn't hate you then, and I won't hate you. Ever. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't…Because I love you. I never stopped." Spencer paused, taking a much needed breather, "Ashley?" Had the brunette hung up on her?

_"Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you…"_

"I love you too…" Ashley whispered, "I've always loved you, but I think we both know…" She swallowed hard, "I think we both know that I'm not good enough for you, I'm not good for you…" She felt the tears falling, her voice breaking, "I think you should just forget me and figure out what's good for you…Even if it means you hating me, I'd rather you live a happy life, a good life…"

Spencer looked at the screen display of Ashley once more, now it was a close-up on the brunette, she was making a funny face at the camera. Spencer swallowed and put the receiver to her ear again and whispered, "I love you Ashley…" to the dial tone.

A week later Spencer got a call from Aiden. He was crying.

It seems that Ashley still thought that Spencer hated her and if Spencer hated her, how could anyone care for her? Would care if she was gone? No, if Spencer didn't care, nothing mattered anymore.

She had slit her wrist. And she had died holding a picture of Spencer to her heart.

Spencer joined her the night of her funeral, holding a picture of Ashley to her heart. It had been too much for her heart to bear.

Her last wish was to be buried with Ashley, so they could finally be together.

_'And I find it so hard to say…Something I can't bear now that you're so far away…I can't love you where you are…But we'll be just fine…I'll see you soon…Maybe then can I feel it again…'_


End file.
